[Disclaimer: I have no idea what this post is trying to accomplish. I don’t think I am any closer to gaining the courage to complete my apology(read on for what this is). Nor have I understood clearly all that I am capable of. This is probably just a random rant where I go all philosophical about inner demons but I had to get this one out of me.
PS: Please ignore the overuse of parentheses.
PPS: Post-scripts within a disclaimer??]
Recently I pseudo-apologized to someone. By pseudo I don’t mean to say that I didn’t mean the apology. I did mean it. I really was sorry. Pseudo, here, for the lack of a better word is used to convey that the person who received the apology doesn’t have a clue as to why I was apologizing. Yeah, they don’t even know why I apologized!
I won’t say why I apologized, firstly because this isn’t really about that apology, this is about some of the things that I ended up thinking about after this apology. The second reason is that it is complicated. I don’t know the exact reason myself. Maybe I am ashamed or maybe I feel terribly guilty and confessing the crime out loud is going to make it worse. I don’t know about that but maybe it is that I don’t want to accept even to myself that I can mess up so badly. I generally take a strong stand against what I did and when I myself go and do that, it is unnerving to say the least.
The whole idea that there is a part of me which is capable, even unconsciously, of doing(I was only thinking this time, but it isn’t a big leap) things that usually appall me is a frightening thought. The reason it is so terrifying is that it threatens the basic idea that I can at least trust myself if no one else. Then, when things like this happen… well it isn’t pleasant. The possibility that there is a part within me however small that is capable of these things isn’t a comforting thought. This time around it was a very small thing. I rectified it as soon as I realized it, which is still too long. But what if I hadn’t? What if it had gone unnoticed, thought of as a foregone conclusion since it was a product of my own brain?
All of this reminded me(weirdly) of that speech from Coach Carter which was actually based on a poem by Marianne Williamson. In the poem the author takes a positive outlook on things but this incident made me wonder about the negative ways the ‘powerful beyond measure’ concept could be interpreted. Humans are capable, of greatness both good and evil. Maybe it is just a choice, but that doesn’t explain my unconscious wavering. Maybe it is just human nature, or nurture(a debate in itself.) Anyway, I ended up thinking about this poem and its possible meanings at length.
All this thinking about the capabilities of humans soon reminded me of a comment I had once read. Although I am not sure(lost the link), I think it was for a picture of Hitler walking with a little girl. He was called everything from murderer to the devil. Then came the comment that I am referring to. Again I don’t remember it verbatim but the gist more or less was that the thing about Hitler that most frightens people is that he was a human being. Just like any one of us. The thought that a fellow human being could do things as horrendous as he did is what frightens people. When another human being can do it, so could we. He then goes on to theorize that the reason people brand “bad people” as “criminals” or “murderers” or any other such term is to try and distinguish them from humans, from “us”. It is just to bring us some solace that the people who are capable of committing such heinous crimes aren’t like us. To place in our minds a notion of a perceived difference between the “us” and the “others”(Humanities!!(inside joke)). It is to avoid the truth that human beings are indeed capable of the most horrendous things.
Everyone has demons lurking inside. They are as much a part of us as our thoughts because that’s where they reside, these ‘demons’, right there in our thoughts. These ‘inner demons’ of mine are what frighten me most. I think they frighten many of us. They leave no one but us to blame for our mistakes. Forcing us to realize and accept our follies as our own. They are my deepest fear.