Inner Demons

[Disclaimer: I have no idea what this post is trying to accomplish. I don’t think I am any closer to gaining the courage to complete my apology(read on for what this is). Nor have I understood clearly all that I am capable of. This is probably just a random rant where I go all philosophical about inner demons but I had to get this one out of me.
PS: Please ignore the overuse of parentheses.
PPS: Post-scripts within a disclaimer??]

Recently I pseudo-apologized to someone. By pseudo I don’t mean to say that I didn’t mean the apology. I did mean it. I really was sorry. Pseudo, here, for the lack of a better word is used to convey that the person who received the apology doesn’t have a clue as to why I was apologizing. Yeah, they don’t even know why I apologized!

I won’t say why I apologized, firstly because this isn’t really about that apology, this is about some of the things that I ended up thinking about after this apology. The second reason is that it is complicated. I don’t know the exact reason myself. Maybe I am ashamed or maybe I feel terribly guilty and confessing the crime out loud is going to make it worse. I don’t know about that but maybe it is that I don’t want to accept even to myself that I can mess up so badly. I generally take a strong stand against what I did and when I myself go and do that, it is unnerving to say the least.

The whole idea that there is a part of me which is capable, even unconsciously, of doing(I was only thinking this time, but it isn’t a big leap) things that usually appall me is a frightening thought. The reason it is so terrifying is that it threatens the basic idea that I can at least trust myself if no one else. Then, when things like this happen… well it isn’t pleasant. The possibility that there is a part within me however small that is capable of these things isn’t a comforting thought. This time around it was a very small thing. I rectified it as soon as I realized it, which is still too long. But what if I hadn’t? What if it had gone unnoticed, thought of as a foregone conclusion since it was a product of my own brain?

All of this reminded me(weirdly) of that speech from Coach Carter which was actually based on a poem by Marianne Williamson. In the poem the author takes a positive outlook on things but this incident made me wonder about the negative ways the ‘powerful beyond measure’ concept could be interpreted. Humans are capable, of greatness both good and evil. Maybe it is just a choice, but that doesn’t explain my unconscious wavering. Maybe it is just human nature, or nurture(a debate in itself.) Anyway, I ended up thinking about this poem and its possible meanings at length.

All this thinking about the capabilities of humans soon reminded me of a comment I had once read. Although I am not sure(lost the link), I think it was for a picture of Hitler walking with a little girl. He was called everything from murderer to the devil. Then came the comment that I am referring to. Again I don’t remember it verbatim but the gist more or less was that the thing about Hitler that most frightens people is that he was a human being. Just like any one of us. The thought that a fellow human being could do things as horrendous as he did is what frightens people. When another human being can do it, so could we. He then goes on to theorize that the reason people brand “bad people” as “criminals” or “murderers” or any other such term is to try and distinguish them from humans, from “us”. It is just to bring us some solace that the people who are capable of committing such heinous crimes aren’t like us. To place in our minds a notion of a perceived difference between the “us” and the “others”(Humanities!!(inside joke)). It is to avoid the truth that human beings are indeed capable of the most horrendous things.

Everyone has demons lurking inside. They are as much a  part of us as our thoughts because that’s where they reside, these ‘demons’, right there in our thoughts. These ‘inner demons’ of mine are what frighten me most. I think they frighten many of us. They leave no one but us to blame for our mistakes. Forcing us to realize and accept our follies as our own. They are my deepest fear.


10 thoughts on “Inner Demons

  1. Akshar (unni)
    U have written beautifully. Yes, you said it rightly. Each one of us have many inner demons not only we should be scared of , also we should try to keep it
    under control.
    Best wishes

  2. Well, I agree that all of us have these demons inside us. But, think of it this way, all of us have different demons inside us. It is your demons that make you different from the next human being in line. The demons (having varying degrees of malevolence) make you who you are. Embrace these demons, make them your own. Manipulate them. Make them your guardian angels. How about this point of view?

    1. This is the second time I heard this point of view after writing this. I am looking at that too now. It is indeed a very interesting idea. 😀 Guardian angels… I like that usage. 🙂

  3. I like how you’ve related to Marianne Williamson poem. Its scary how much that one phrase means and all the examples we see around us proving just that. I don’t know much about how the demons function before you find out about them but it would be really interesting to see what you can do once you dig them out. 😉

    1. Thank God you liked the poem! It took me the longest to make it fit but I knew I had to. It is a scary poem indeed. 🙂 And about the digging them out part… well, we’ll see. 😀

  4. Akshar.
    I agree that all of us have something inside of us that has immense potential to enable us to do things that make us stand out, which is when the “us” and “other” conflict starts happening. It is an innate quality of every human being. It is never something you should be afraid of. Rather, it is something you should learn to embrace. Yes, it has the capability to make us do bad things. But it all depends on how you streamline your energy. This reminds me of the concept of “vishwaroopam”, about which I read somewhere – it is our most prime form, it is when we exhibit our truest, most passionate selves. Aristotle’s “substance-form” theory is also equally fascinating. The ultimate motive of every human being is to attained that “form” or “vishwaroopam”.
    I don’t agree with the terminology “inner demons”. We have not only demons, but angels too, lurking inside us. Extremely cliched, but we are neither black nor white inside, but we are seven billion different shades of grey. We should all cling on to our innate “grey-ness” (couldn’t find a better word, bear with me for that 😛 ) because according to me, that is the only thing that’ll keep us going. 🙂

  5. Thank you for the comment. 😀
    You have no idea how much I have heard this black and white thing! Your whole comment just reminds me of all of my humanities courses. And now I will have to read about all of these theories. 😦 So much reading! Working on the “clinging to the grey-ness” part. And since everyone seems to think that I should embrace them and make them guardian angels I will work on that with fervor now.

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